The News From Not Very Far

2009-05-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

Oh What a Lovely Window

2008-12-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

So, I live in a nice neighborhood. The people here are kind and sweet. And, I thought I'd spread a little holiday cheer with some messages in my window. But I guess we just weren't all on the same page. These are the ones I had to take down after complaints.

Have One Hell of a Christmas!

May There Be Love With Your Brothers!

ChristmASS for the wHOLE world

I show you my tree if you show me yours

I'll get you!

Jingle Bleed

Bleeping Contact

2008-12-22T16:04:00.000-08:00

It has been learned this past week that a US senator from Illinois may have had contact with the governor of Illinois. A stunning accusation that has rocked the entire political world.

Said a woman on the street,"How dare he have contact with the governor of his own state. Once you go to Washington you sever all ties with the state that you originate from. There is no more communication between US senators and governors."

Said the senator, "I am very sorry for this contact with the governor, I brushed up against him while trying to squeeze past a group of people talking at a party. If I could take back this moment, I would, as I now have a large rash on my back from this contact. I was simply trying to get a second piece of cake. Bleep it was good!"

Type! Type! Type! Type! Goooo Typewriters!

2008-11-29T16:16:00.000-08:00

You know your NFL or college football career is in trouble when you end up on this team.

Urine for a Surprise: Testing NASA's Urine Machine

2008-11-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

When you're floating above the earth, away from conveniences of life, doing high-stress tasks day in and day out, the last thing you want to hear is that the urine machine broke down - the machine that converts condensation and urine, aboard space shuttle Endeavor, into fresh drinking water.

That's my space fridge, and space kitchen aboard a separate craft orbiting just outside the shuttle Endeavor. We dock briefly when they need special problems resolved, like when they need some candy, or a postage stamp, live bait, bobble heads. You know, home sweet home stuff. We don't totally get along, I often get into big fights with the crew because I still believe the world is flat even though I can plainly see the earth outside my own spacecraft's window. But anyway, they asked me to help fix the machine... see, while floating outside the shuttle I found this great bag of tools.

Shopping List Cartoon

2008-11-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

{ oo === oo }

2008-11-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

More Revelations from Mother Teresa's Journal

2008-11-14T22:49:00.000-08:00

A new series of documents has been released showing, still more, revelations about the life of Mother Teresa and what she really thought during her years of service to humanity. The following excerpts give new insight into this brilliant woman of faith:

"You know, as nice as that mentally handicapped man was, I still thought he was a jerk."

"I do love the symbol of the cross, but what I love even more, is the VW emblem. It's so neat how the "V" looks like part of the "W".

"...robes are for sissies"

"tonight is the night I've been waiting for my whole life, 'Madden NFL' is finally available for Playstation 3"

"...ok, so there's St. Peter, St. Paul...oh, I know there's more....? ......?......Well, whoever they are... I'll just say, the other saints..."

"I'm having deep, conflicting thoughts lately....should I go with pink eye shadow, or the purple with metallic shimmer?"

"I totally convinced this guy that I saw the Mother Mary in his chocolate chip cookie. I told him if he gave it to me I would bless him and save it for the Vatican archives....... I ate it!"

The Kleenex Tug

2008-10-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

It happens: you're laying down on the couch, and too relaxed to get up, and your nose has the signs of some activity approaching. Some nasal event occurs... a sneeze, a runny nose...something requires the attention of not one, but possibly several Kleenex tissues. You spot your 6-sided "friend in need" on the floor, but, the box is the distance of a very awkward stretch for you. It would definitely not be advisable to grab 2-3 quickly (follow-ups pending) with the same "stretched-out-ness" (unless your box was just recently opened, sometimes resulting in several Kleenex coming out accidentally. This tactic, however, can leave you helpless too as the leading tissue often tears from the rest getting bunched-up at the slot.)

Enter, that small detail of life. The phenomenon known to all, that I know is on the tip of your tongue... say it with me... "The Kleenex Box Strategic Relocation Tug", or "Operation TKBSRT". With the appropriate amount of tension and a slow pull-speed, the tissue from the box serves as the means to bring the box closer to you. Like the pull for a wagon. Like a rope pulling a boat to shore.

The following is probably the only demonstration of its kind ever filmed. A video sure to become an instant viral hit. (or...?...anti-viral hit)

Wow! What a truly mind blowing video, or... nose blowing. Hopefully you don't blow that hard. And as the box scoots across the floor there's ironic, unintended "travel show" music in the background (towards the end).

Oranges: A Serious Danger To Eyes

2008-10-15T17:04:00.000-07:00

Oranges pose a serious threat to eye health. Whether the fruit is gently thrown in the air towards someone's face or the juice spurts out upon cutting the thick skin with a peeler, it is prudent to take no chances. Eye-goggles should be worn at all times whether near oranges or not.

Making a film to demonstrate its dangers, this foolish person (video below) thought that ordinary glasses would protect him against this orange, but he didn't understand the full nature of projectile oranges. We slowed-down the footage a second time to convey the full impact. What a truly horrific hit, and one that could have been prevented with proper heavy-grade, industrial, orange-deflecting goggles. As you can see at some point in this film, the disorientation from being hit causes him to smile. This orange literally beats him silly. He won't be laughing anymore... not after learning of the serious pain and carnage that an orange can cause.

After the film stopped, his eyes and head swelled up until his face was beyond recognition. Unable to breathe, he laid helpless and unconscious for days. That's the last time he'll mock the danger of oranges.

Listen to the words of Mark, who takes much smarter precautions:

"So, me and my girlfriend were sitting outside watching the sunset, we live in Minnesota where there aren't any orange trees anywhere. In fact, it was winter and the only place you can find oranges are in the grocery store. My girlfriend says, 'Don't you think we could take our silly goggles off for one second? I mean they're fogging up in this cold... I can hardly see the sunset.' I said, "I don't advise doing that, I didn't spend $500 on the best pair of Orange Deflection Goggles only for us to grow complacent. She said, 'Well I'm taking mine off.'. "At your own risk", I said.

Some time went by, then she pointed to the sky above us and said, "Oooh, look at that bird, is that an oriole?...wait...an oriole in winter? It's so beautifully orange...wait there's more of them, there's a whole flock of them?". She got up and ran towards them saying, "I want to see which way they're headed." I suddenly realized they were not flying, but falling, and they were not birds, but ORANGES!! The rest happened like a blur as I watched my sweetheart get pummeled to death by oranges, fallen from a cargo plane loaded with food donations headed for Africa. One orange after another beamed her repeatedly on the head, and arms, and legs and all over her body. Still alive, she struggled and got back up on her knees as she was then hit by more orange, softball-sized spheres of death, unrelenting until her body was completely covered by a pile of over 375 oranges. I ran to her and dug through the pile, holding her close in my arms I said, "Why!...Why did you have to take the Orange Goggles off?!..And why didn't I foresee us needing Orange Proof Vests and helmets? "

A difficult orange story to digest and one that branches out into other means of protection, but also one that points out the difference between those who will survive, and those who simply will not. It is so very important to be alert at any moment for oranges. So don't be afraid if you look silly. Better to look silly for wearing orange protection, than to be silly for not wearing any protection at all and getting completely "oranged".

Pop-up Play Cube

2008-10-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

I found at Walgreens

A daily request I get from Tessa, a very nice cat who shares my apartment, is to play with her in the kitty play cube, or the official name is Pop-up Play Cube For Cats. Forget Xbox, Play Cube is where it's at. These cubes are a hit with my feline. They arrive folded up and after removing the warning that says, "spring loaded and under pressure do not give to children before unfolding", one pops up in 1/4 of a second to take the shape of a decent tent-like cube. Good gag gift if you have anyone in mind who you think should lose an eye. I decided to get 2 of these and sort make a little fort. So I used the velcro straps to connect them together. She absolutely loves this.

Now the other part of the request is the springy toy I got from Petco. Standing alone the springy toy normally yields no interest from this Miss, but combined with the play cube it brings about some funny antics. Check out the short video I made (above)

Tessa

The Real Title

2008-10-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

Aww...This blog place got it all wrong. My title's supposed to be...

"Then Ews Fro MN Otve Ryfar"

When The Stacks Are High

2008-10-08T11:51:00.000-07:00

(Click)

It started with one, and then another. In amazement I got 5 nickels standing on each other. How was I doing it? It defied logic. How did this average day become a once in a lifetime triumph?

(Click)

I kept going with perfect precision placement. Those Jenga games had paid off. With it all teetering and swaying, a single breath would surely collapse my gleaming tower of pocket change. I gazed up, and stepped back.

(Click)

Katrina and Gustav Married, Ike Caught In Love Triangle

2008-10-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

Just weeks into his marriage to Katrina, Gustav comes home to find Ike in the same waters with Katrina. Gustav couldn't believe his eye! Then, fuming with water spouts and jealous rebellion, he reconstructed their house that they had just help demolish together. Said Gustav, "What are we going to tell our tornado son?... Well mommy likes younger storms. What's next, tropical depressions?" Said Katrina, "You make me feel so categorized!"

"Drinkin' Ain't For Dogs" Mug Arrives

2008-09-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a moment in your life comes that is so pivotal, all the planets align, all the stars shine brighter. Everything is clearer. Well today that moment came... through the postal service.

In the second week of September I was browsing Ebay, like millions of other people in search of things they desire. Perhaps the hunt is for discount perfume, perhaps it's an antique wall sconce, or a chewed up wad of gum that looks like Henry Kissinger. For me the keywords in this search were: mug, "coffee cup", weird, strange, odd.

It's a slow, tedious, scouring search. Most mugs that fit the results are not in the right vein, but make that rare gem-of-a-sipper all that more momentous and gratifying. The candidates for my cupboard usually follow a loose rule that they can not be intentionally funny. So we navigate past the one's about turning 40, the ones about hating your work, the ones about caffeine and coffee. And at this point we avoid those in the shape of a head, like the Batman head I found. As much as I love the thought of drinking coffee out of someone's hollowed out noggin, it is simply overdone and gets to a size that I don't wish to see filling my cupboards. The question that the mug must satisfy for me is, "Why in the world would somebody make this?"

After having my hopes dashed, bidding on and losing a Hepatitis B Vaccine mug (Yes, somebody else wanted it), I set my sights on an easy "buy it now" item I had bookmarked earlier. It said, "Drinkin' Ain't For Dogs". Golden! Nothing says absurd like a 3-dimensional sculpted drunken dog face. Mmmmm. That's a nice cup o' coffee. Shaking my head over the shipping and handling I bit the bullet, the decision was finalized. From off in the world of "somewhere else" would come my thing.

Waiting was not easy, but the mission today is complete. My cup is both completely empty and half full. It reserves a fine spot next to legendary figures such as, "Postal Golf Outing", and what I refer to as my "digital ducks". Now, will a recently spotted travel mug depicting different marine signal flags join them? Stay tuned.

Fabulous Footwear For Fall Fashion

2008-09-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

Don't throw those empty cases out. Empty pop can cartons can add a splash of sophistication to your strut. Even the top designers agree that boxy is "in". Here we see our model with Diet Pepsi blue, a silver tongue to frame the leg, and a light gray rectangle with lines of text to direct the eye towards the toe. A styling detail that says "here i come". The slick painted surface on the bottom results in a slippery fun way to move along carpet. Forget the Merrel Air Cushions normally worn by this gent, those 24 cans of cool refreshing soda - long ago flushed - helped wake him out of a fashion rut. And yes kitty, those Merrels are an aroma delight. Have at it.

Tarrific!

2008-09-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

It wasn't me.

Animals Not Seen Outside Window: Giraffe, Walrus, Cuddlefish

2008-09-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

A man in an apartment who was writing a blog entry, was neither expecting nor not expecting to see any of these animals outside his window. But it is reported as fact today, that he has not seen a giraffe, walrus or cuddlefish outside his window.

And upon further reflection this man reported he has not seen any of the following additional animals: monkeys, leopards, zebra-snout seahorses, iguanas. He at one point thought he had seen an iguana within his vicinity but upon further observation of its chubby cute furriness it is proven to be a cat.

It's possible that if this man's window were facing towards his floor, and he looked out of it that way, in the very far distance he would likely see some of these animals, if it were not for the dirt, rocks, core of the earth, vegetation, and perhaps other animals immediately underneath these animals, blocking the view.

Interview With Deodorant

2008-09-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

He's a great guy, and I had a chance to catch up with him this week. He's Mitchum Deodorant. Hanging out on the coffee table in the living room, we shared some laughs of good times, memories of old. Got to catch up on life.

Nik: So, when you arrived in the store were you hoping for my underarm in particular to come your way? or was there someone elses shopping cart you were longing to ride away in?

Mitchum: (silence)

Nik: Why are you in the living room? Don't most people have their deodorant in the bedroom or bathroom?

Mitchum: (silence)

Nik: You know you're a replacement right? for the last stick I bought. I sent him off to "camp". Yeah, it's a fun camp with... dump trucks! and... sea gulls!

Mitchum: (silence)

Nik: Why does your unscented kind smell so good?

Mitchum: (silence)

Nik: I see you have "the maximum level of active ingredient", do you mind if I look at your lower-back tattoo to see what it is?

Mitchum: (silence)

Nik: Just as I thought, "Aluminum Sesquichlorohydrate". That was going to be my guess either that or Sesquichlorocitrate.

Mitchum: (silence)

Nik: Don't you think a bad slogan for your product would be...

"You can't spell Mitchum without itch"

Mitchum: (silence)

Nik: Yeah, I don't think that would be good because it makes fun of people who can't spell.